I will die if light touches me.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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