guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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