So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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