My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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