I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
