i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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