I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Everything about him screamed your future.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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