A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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