So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You ruined the universe
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
