I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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