im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
