6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
