I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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