I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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