Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
