Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
