I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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