I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
