ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
