God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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