you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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