Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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