Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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