i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
