Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
