"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
