just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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