I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
