I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
