did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How's work?
Spinning.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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