I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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