She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
