I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
