you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
