Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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