the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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