You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
