u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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