Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
