we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
