Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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