Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
