shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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