I didn't shave. On purpose
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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