so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
