I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
