so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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