my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
