This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
