one two three fourrrrnication!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
