When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
