I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
